Mother's Day Manifesto

When I was pregnant, everyone couldn't help themselves in reminding me how much my life is going to change when I became a mother. I thought, 'of course it's going to change, I'm not stupid'. But WOW. EVERYTHING changes. As I reflect back on the past year, I can barely remember life before motherhood.

As a Mother, my entire perspective on the world changed. I can't watch the news without getting choked up about the latest casualty in Iraq. That was someone's son! And those nannies caught on hidden cameras abusing and neglecting a baby are so disturbing. Not that these things didn't bother me before, but now it's so much more gripping. Global warming, the world food crisis, impoverished children, the list goes on and on. I think being a mom has increased my compassion quotient almost to an unbearable degree. I rarely even watch the news anymore because it is all so heavy in my heart. Of course, ignoring the issues is not really showing compassion, but sometimes I just can't take the emotional toll it causes.

I have always been a scheduled—some might even say "controlling" person ;) —and having a baby is like a constant battle between schedules and flexibility. On the one hand, it's great to have a schedule. The experts all say that babies and kids need schedules and routine to help them feel secure and help establish healthy sleeping and eating patterns. The tricky part, though, is when the schedule or routine gets off track for one reason or another, to be able to go with the flow and not get too stressed about it. I'm working on that.

Another part about being a mom that has drastically changed my life is the amount of energy it takes, physically and mentally. When Hayden is awake, I'm usually interacting with him in some way. He plays great by himself, but I truly prefer interacting with him. On top of all the normal stuff like getting dressed, diaper changes, and feedings, we dance together, I sing him songs, I read him books (LOTS of books!), we play horsey, choo-choo train in the laundry basket, roll the ball, peek-a-boo, puppet shows; we chase each other around the living room; I talk to him about what I'm doing in the kitchen and around the house; we talk about letters, numbers, sounds, textures, opposites; we go for walks, play at the park, and even when I run errands I have him "help" me with things and talk to him about what we're doing. He is so much fun, and seeing the world fresh through his eyes is such an adventure. He even reminds me that carpet is fun to run your fingers through! He is such a sponge and so curious.

The downside to interacting so much with Hayden is that I don't have the energy to do much else. When Hayden's napping or after he goes to bed at night, I still have an endless list of things I need to do. I have to work on my freelance design projects (about 15 hours a week). Or I'm cleaning up from breakfast/lunch/dinner. Or preparing lunch or dinner or Hayden's pureed meals. Or doing laundry or cleaning the house (HA! If you've been to my house lately, you know that rarely happens!!). Or I'm reading parenting books and magazines and websites, filling my head with all the knowledge I feel I'm lacking. There are so many amazing resources it's hard to know where to stop! And I'm fascinated by all this stuff: Infant development, emotional intelligence, making baby/toddler food, healthy sleep habits. Or I'm cropping, retouching, and uploading photos to be printed or posted to the blog. Or uploading and editing video of Hayden to burn to DVD. Or even just getting caught up on email and correspondence with friends and family. Oh yeah, and occasionally I even get to take a shower :) It never ends! But all this takes energy on my part. I sometimes feel so drained, I don't even remember how to relax.

My relationship with Phil has certainly been affected by that, and also my relationship with God and my church. When I do find the time and remember to pray, I start out praising God for this awesome gift of a healthy, beautiful son, and for my wonderful, supportive husband and for providing for our needs. But soon into my prayer, my mind starts wandering about all the other things swirling on in my head and pretty soon I'm apologizing to God for rambling off about what I forgot to get at Target that day and what I'm making for dinner that night. I have neglected my relationship with Christ so much this past year, and I hope He truly is the merciful and compassionate God that I believe Him to be, or else I'm in Big Trouble! :) Thankfully, Phil is also a merciful and compassionate husband, and has put up with a lot of "not tonights" over the past year. (Though I think that also has a lot to do with the hormones in my system from nursing and it will get better when Hayden is weaned.) Phil has been so supportive of everything, and I know he deserves my energy and attention too. I am so in awe of how mothers of more than one child are able to handle it all. I guess I better learn how to balance things better since Phil and I are hoping to have another child in a year or two.

When I talk to people about this, most of them advise me to spend less energy on Hayden. But I'm sorry. I can't. He is growing so fast I don't want to miss out on a minute of it. I don't want to have any regrets about not spending enough time with him, not building a stronger bond, not showing him how much I love him. The energy I put into time with Hayden I don't regret and won't change. Sure, gradually over time, I'm sure he will want and need more independence, and I hope I'm ok with that! (I guess we can all place our bets at how hard it's going to be for me to see him off to college one day!)

I'm even sad about weaning Hayden. Despite the initial difficulties with my milk supply, with the dairy-free diet for the past 8 months, and the occasional biting I think I will really miss it. Because he's not much of a cuddler, I feel like nursing is a very special time between us. But he has already indicated that he's ready and I just have to accept that my little boy is growing up. I suppose I am really just continuing to put that same level of dedication and commitment into making him healthy meals and developing good eating habits. I just hope I don't gain 15 lbs once I am able to eat cheese and ice cream again, not to mention losing the awesome calorie-burning benefit of nursing! I feel a sense of pride and accomplishment that I nursed Hayden for a full year.

Wow, that sounded kind of arrogant.

Sometimes I have to stop myself and examine my motives for things. Am I trying to win some kind of "Mother of the Year" award? Am I trying to be a better mother than the other mom's I know? Do I want people to look at me and see what a Great Mom I am? If I truly examine my heart, sometimes I am guilty of making it all about me. I need to remember that my ultimate job is to raise a healthy, good-natured, compassionate, intelligent, creative, happy son who will one day leave his Mommy & Daddy and be as wonderful of a husband, father, and member of society as his Daddy is.

So on this Mother's Day, I guess I need to remember 3 things:
1) relax
2) enjoy
3) love